Dear Mr. President Trump,
Congratulations on your inauguration as the President of the United States of America. That’s quite an accomplishment! I’m sure your wife, ex-wives, mistresses, and sexual abuse victims are very proud of you.
The nation is truly excited to see just how quickly you’ll be able to make America great again. Because before you came into office, it was spectacular. So I can only assume you want to downgrade us as you were too overwhelmed by our happiness, respect, and vitality, which is understandable. It’s only natural for a man with your unnaturally inflamed ego and sense of entitlement to be intimidated by legitimate success.
Now, before I go any further with my praise, it’s only fair to warn you that I may possess a few qualities that may make you uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, in fact, that you’ll likely write in some laws sooner or later to stop me from being, well, me. Again, fear is a real emotion, Mr. President, and is nothing to be ashamed of.
Firstly, I do possess a vagina and identify as a woman. I apologize for not saying this upfront; please take a few moments to re-read the beginning of this letter with less respect for my words and more interjections of mockery and sexual innuendo. I’ll wait.
Secondly, I’m not that big into God. I haven’t gotten too deep into your fine works of literature or the jumbled mess of 5th grade nothingness that is the transcripts of your speeches, so I’m unclear as to whether or not I’m going to a deeper level of hell than Muslims. Sure, I live each of my days with only the hope to make others’ days better. I’m kind, generous, loyal, honest, accepting of others, and willing to admit fault (ie, all the things you claim to be but are not). But in your eyes, Mr. President, I am a heathen, and don’t deserve to be an American. Sorry about that.
Finally, just as one more disclaimer, and this is a big one, so I apologize in advance, but I support the LGBTQ community. Hell, you could even say I’m one of them. I know it bothers you that lesbians look better in your ties than you do, that transgendered citizens are completely unnatural (not at ALL like your skin and hair, you magnificent orange demigod), that gays are ruining the sacred honor of your third marriage, and that you don’t know what the Q stands for.
Back to showering you with praise. I know how much you love showers.
You have truly united a nation. Did you see how many people came to your inauguration ceremony?! Crazy! It was almost as many as those who came out the next day for that other thing — what was it? — something about women wanting their rights and to be equal to men. Well, if they wanted to be equal to men, they should have borrowed a million dollars from their rich ass fathers to start a giant failing business of their own, am I right?!
Mr. President Trump, you say that we’re going to start putting America first, and that is something we can all get behind. There are only starving children in Africa because they chose to be born there into poverty, and you don’t make those kinds of mistakes. I think what spoke to me most in your speeches was how we are going to win. To paraphrase, you said:
We’re going to win win win no matter what
Got money on my mind; I can never get enough!
And every time I step up in the buildin’
Everybody hands go up
Thank you for reminding America how much one man can affect, and fuck up, the rest of the world.
An American Citizen (I have my birth certificate to prove it, but I’ve heard my white face will suffice as evidence)